So today is my first day back in Cyprus and away from my babe.. sad :(
I'm missing you loads and loads like you wouldn't believe and every second away from you is killing me
Just the one night away from you that I've spent so far here (thousands and thousands of miles apart) has made me realise just how much you mean to me and what a massive impact you've made on my life
You mean so much to me and I care about you so much, I'm sorry this is going to have to be fairly brief as I'm going to have to go off to our next meeting (had 2 so far)
I'm literally counting the hours until I can see you again and I can't wait for when I get back and we spend the weekend together :) YAY
AND AND AND I'm really really looking forward to us going on holiday in November or December, its going to be amazing having you all to myself for a whole week!! (or even better 10 days ;) )
You're the most amazing guy I've ever met and I love you with all my heart and soul
Can't wait to see you again baby (Keep Daz warm for me, he likes lots of hugs - especially bed hugs)
XXX
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
A Week in Words
So I've been very very busy this week and havent had time to post on here, I'll do a quick rundown of my adventures
Monday: Working in London on induction to LUS, was so tired travelling on the train there and back
Tuesday: In London again, travelled the tubes all day long answering questions on trains and the passengers... yawn
Wednesday: London again, slept all the way there on the train went to Vauxhall to get my entry permit from Atkins.. got home at a reasonable time though, my babe went out with my dad for drinks, really missed his stinky ass
Thurday: London yet again this time at the Northumberland Park Depot, went underneath a train and sat in an important meeting for a few hours, it was actually the most interesting day of work I've ever done while working at Bombardier.. hmmm is being interested in the trains and how they work geeky?? Got the staff train back to Kings Cross with Jack, when I got home chilled out with my babe :) yay got a bit of quality time in, hardly seen him all week
Friday: In Derby today.. finished at 1 so not too bad, spent lots and lots of time with Daz GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.. hehe I was a bit drunk
Sat: Just dossed around for most of the day then went out to town and Daz met Tree and got the thumbs up... YAY not surprised though as he is pretty amazing!
Sunday: Well thats today, Daz is getting a shower cause he wreaks and then I think we're going to IKEA! mmmm hotdog... only I've already eaten half a pizza and had a pint of Oreo milkshake and I'm feeling positively sick lol so will have to see how it all pans out
I'm in York at a seminar at the university on "The Intelligent Railway" from Weds to Friday this week.. don't want to go cause I know I'm really really going to miss Daz shit loads, I know I'm sad... but I really will, I don't like spending unneccesary time away from him, :(
Anyways I need to get ready now...
Monday: Working in London on induction to LUS, was so tired travelling on the train there and back
Tuesday: In London again, travelled the tubes all day long answering questions on trains and the passengers... yawn
Wednesday: London again, slept all the way there on the train went to Vauxhall to get my entry permit from Atkins.. got home at a reasonable time though, my babe went out with my dad for drinks, really missed his stinky ass
Thurday: London yet again this time at the Northumberland Park Depot, went underneath a train and sat in an important meeting for a few hours, it was actually the most interesting day of work I've ever done while working at Bombardier.. hmmm is being interested in the trains and how they work geeky?? Got the staff train back to Kings Cross with Jack, when I got home chilled out with my babe :) yay got a bit of quality time in, hardly seen him all week
Friday: In Derby today.. finished at 1 so not too bad, spent lots and lots of time with Daz GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.. hehe I was a bit drunk
Sat: Just dossed around for most of the day then went out to town and Daz met Tree and got the thumbs up... YAY not surprised though as he is pretty amazing!
Sunday: Well thats today, Daz is getting a shower cause he wreaks and then I think we're going to IKEA! mmmm hotdog... only I've already eaten half a pizza and had a pint of Oreo milkshake and I'm feeling positively sick lol so will have to see how it all pans out
I'm in York at a seminar at the university on "The Intelligent Railway" from Weds to Friday this week.. don't want to go cause I know I'm really really going to miss Daz shit loads, I know I'm sad... but I really will, I don't like spending unneccesary time away from him, :(
Anyways I need to get ready now...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
2 Months
YEAY
Today is 2 months of "officially" being with Daz.. which also means 2 months of him living at mine, its been amazing or should I say it is amazing, I dont ever want it to end
You're so special and important to me... I honestly don't know what I would do without you now that I have you
You're the most precious stone there is, and Im the only one to have discovered you so you haven't been named yet (and Im sorry but you can't be as I'm not prepared to share) you just piss all over diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires and whatever else there is
Maybe I could bring you to work as show and tell and I could say.. this is the most precious stone, he's really shiny and you can't touch! (Because some stones when they belong to you nobody else can ever touch them or else it just not the same and it doesn't work anymore)
You're fucking amazing
Today is 2 months of "officially" being with Daz.. which also means 2 months of him living at mine, its been amazing or should I say it is amazing, I dont ever want it to end
You're so special and important to me... I honestly don't know what I would do without you now that I have you
You're the most precious stone there is, and Im the only one to have discovered you so you haven't been named yet (and Im sorry but you can't be as I'm not prepared to share) you just piss all over diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires and whatever else there is
Maybe I could bring you to work as show and tell and I could say.. this is the most precious stone, he's really shiny and you can't touch! (Because some stones when they belong to you nobody else can ever touch them or else it just not the same and it doesn't work anymore)
You're fucking amazing
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Bored
I am so bored I could chew off my own ear, I want to headbutt the wall and stamp my feet, I want to go home, I feel mardy and also hungry, I've had too much coffee, I feel sick
My hands are shaking and I have a headache
I don't know what I'm doing, somebody is talking about rhythmic gymnastics, I can't hear..
The BSE crisis, venison in cornwall, I'm a dog owner.. WHAT THE HELL ...
I need to leave, rabbit stew??? randomness
I have never seen a live animal before other than a pigeon... Kangeroo
My hands are shaking and I have a headache
I don't know what I'm doing, somebody is talking about rhythmic gymnastics, I can't hear..
The BSE crisis, venison in cornwall, I'm a dog owner.. WHAT THE HELL ...
I need to leave, rabbit stew??? randomness
I have never seen a live animal before other than a pigeon... Kangeroo
Aiiiiii
Oh no... I've got a severe case of the yawns and also the shakes from so much coffee!!
This is seriously not good!
This is seriously not good!
Day 1
Today is my first day in my new job, so far I've reviewed a CD ..
and now I'm researching "help desks" online to see if any would be suitable for what we want for the TSSSA help desk.. basically they don't have any work for me to do yet, plus my boss is away all next week which means besides the 2 days I'm in London (YAY on Weds I don't have to come back to work!!) I'm not going to have anything to do for three days :)
Lovin it
and now I'm researching "help desks" online to see if any would be suitable for what we want for the TSSSA help desk.. basically they don't have any work for me to do yet, plus my boss is away all next week which means besides the 2 days I'm in London (YAY on Weds I don't have to come back to work!!) I'm not going to have anything to do for three days :)
Lovin it
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
YES YES YES
I'm about to leave work now.. the next time I come back here I'll be a Predictive Services Developer :-)
screw document control...
btw those docs you wanted... i burnt them he he he he he
screw document control...
btw those docs you wanted... i burnt them he he he he he
New Hair
Following the ginger accident I had the night before last I went for something a bit more dark...
Monday, September 1, 2008
2 and a Half Hours
Time slows down, all around me is still and I inhale but I feel nothing, consumed, I twist and I'm underwater, in a trance, a bubble that bursts and then.. a grain of sand.. blown away by the wind
I cough and I can't get the scratch at the back of my throat, enveloped in frustration, my clothes are all too tight.. they are all soaking wet and I can't take them off.. clawing and ripping at them but they suffocate me
I've been fighting all my life and I'm tired 25 hours a day.. all weak..
Something changed.. It must be my turn I guess there's only a certain amount a person can take and we all need to be tested, some people feel more and some people ache more
I burn and I feel release, there's no need for anger anymore or hurt, I fall into your arms and I know I wont feel pain, you don't constrict me, just make it as soft as possible so that I can rest, I can relax safe in your heart, maybe thats why there's so much sleep (we're so tired from hurting), now we can recharge and there's not as much need to be on full power because I'll watch your back and you'll watch mine, so its almost like we're just on hibernate - only for a while
I can see you inside my head and it makes me smile, and it takes my breath away but I can still breathe
I cough and I can't get the scratch at the back of my throat, enveloped in frustration, my clothes are all too tight.. they are all soaking wet and I can't take them off.. clawing and ripping at them but they suffocate me
I've been fighting all my life and I'm tired 25 hours a day.. all weak..
Something changed.. It must be my turn I guess there's only a certain amount a person can take and we all need to be tested, some people feel more and some people ache more
I burn and I feel release, there's no need for anger anymore or hurt, I fall into your arms and I know I wont feel pain, you don't constrict me, just make it as soft as possible so that I can rest, I can relax safe in your heart, maybe thats why there's so much sleep (we're so tired from hurting), now we can recharge and there's not as much need to be on full power because I'll watch your back and you'll watch mine, so its almost like we're just on hibernate - only for a while
I can see you inside my head and it makes me smile, and it takes my breath away but I can still breathe
Its the Feeling in My Gut
Inside my body I am sick (for you)
My organs have tightened restricting blood and oxygen and Im lightheaded (its overwhelming)
Theres native indians in my stomach doing somersaults (borrower size)
Im seriously high on you and I like it
When I see you, Im so happy I could cry
I live with the beat of my heart and every beat carries love
My organs have tightened restricting blood and oxygen and Im lightheaded (its overwhelming)
Theres native indians in my stomach doing somersaults (borrower size)
Im seriously high on you and I like it
When I see you, Im so happy I could cry
I live with the beat of my heart and every beat carries love
What Was Here In Me
Now I can't remember what it said
I've been robbed, I feel like my emotions were just torn out of me, jagged skin and so much blood everywhere
And there you were
You are my first thought and last thought of every day, when I'm with you and when I'm without you all I think of is you
Everything I breathe is you
All that you are - I worship
What we have I cant ever lose, I cant see and end to it and I pray that it never stops, falters, changes or fades, I'd be a broken person without you, you're under my skin and if you go my skin wont fit anymore and so that would have to go too and that can't happen cause without my skin I'd die
I haven't been through this before, you and this.. its brand new to me, and its not a fleeting moment, a rapid momentaneous association of things that meet and pass ..its what I want and what I need, and I cant let go of it, its my future and if you want it then you're my future, thats what I want.. . its all I can think about
Before I was unstable material but you helped me to become constant, you're my stabilizers even though I think I would be a tricycle, you've helped me to remember myself and realise that love isn't just a misconception resulting from incorrect reasoning ..
I don't know what it is that you do, but what it is I know that I need it and I need you
(and for all that you did over the weekend, thank you so much, its truly appreciated, please don't think that it goes unnoticed because it doesn't and it means so much to me)
I've been robbed, I feel like my emotions were just torn out of me, jagged skin and so much blood everywhere
And there you were
You are my first thought and last thought of every day, when I'm with you and when I'm without you all I think of is you
Everything I breathe is you
All that you are - I worship
What we have I cant ever lose, I cant see and end to it and I pray that it never stops, falters, changes or fades, I'd be a broken person without you, you're under my skin and if you go my skin wont fit anymore and so that would have to go too and that can't happen cause without my skin I'd die
I haven't been through this before, you and this.. its brand new to me, and its not a fleeting moment, a rapid momentaneous association of things that meet and pass ..its what I want and what I need, and I cant let go of it, its my future and if you want it then you're my future, thats what I want.. . its all I can think about
Before I was unstable material but you helped me to become constant, you're my stabilizers even though I think I would be a tricycle, you've helped me to remember myself and realise that love isn't just a misconception resulting from incorrect reasoning ..
I don't know what it is that you do, but what it is I know that I need it and I need you
(and for all that you did over the weekend, thank you so much, its truly appreciated, please don't think that it goes unnoticed because it doesn't and it means so much to me)
Do You Want More?
Come on now..
You know I love you, miss you loads and need you
xx
Ahhh this song by The Script really really makes me think about you
cos if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder were on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for youon the corner of the street
so I'm not moving
I'm not moving
XXX
You know I love you, miss you loads and need you
xx
Ahhh this song by The Script really really makes me think about you
cos if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder were on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me waiting for youon the corner of the street
so I'm not moving
I'm not moving
XXX
I Guess There's So Much More
I dyed my hair last night with Garnier Nutrisse Cream can't remember the shade (either 7 or 9) but its sent me bloody ginger!! Im not impressed - even cancelled going to my parents as Im dying it brown tonight... anything to cover up this skank shade..
OMG as if I just got called ginner! GRRR!
I feel like I've wasted my life.. there's so many more productive things I could have been doing yesterday instead of messing about with my dumb ass hair thats now totally uncontrollable and in bad condition, I wish I could take it back to the shop and demand my cash back, miffed is not the word. . . I can just imagine the shop peoples face when they ask why do I want to bring back empty hair products and I point to my hairdo... they would laugh in my face!
And no Daz.. you're not helping (and you can pack in your laughing curly Sue)
OMG as if I just got called ginner! GRRR!
I feel like I've wasted my life.. there's so many more productive things I could have been doing yesterday instead of messing about with my dumb ass hair thats now totally uncontrollable and in bad condition, I wish I could take it back to the shop and demand my cash back, miffed is not the word. . . I can just imagine the shop peoples face when they ask why do I want to bring back empty hair products and I point to my hairdo... they would laugh in my face!
And no Daz.. you're not helping (and you can pack in your laughing curly Sue)
Saturday, August 30, 2008
who might be let off
who also has a damn fine ass
and makes me happier then I've ever been before
teh lovez
and makes me happier then I've ever been before
teh lovez
DEATH DEATH DEATH
i think my baby might actually murder me for editing her blog.......but, hey. it was fun!!!!
Pretentious language, and jargon (I have a paper body)
I need censoring
I look back over my words and they bemuse me
Are my thoughts real or am I so pretentious that I write to impress myself? .. today I am unimpressed
I was going to delete the last post, edit and rearrange it but whats the point.. then it'd be fake and there would be no point having this dumb ass blog then.. saves on paper (she said)
(all I'm left with is my ink smeared body because the rain washed all my memories away)
I look back over my words and they bemuse me
Are my thoughts real or am I so pretentious that I write to impress myself? .. today I am unimpressed
I was going to delete the last post, edit and rearrange it but whats the point.. then it'd be fake and there would be no point having this dumb ass blog then.. saves on paper (she said)
(all I'm left with is my ink smeared body because the rain washed all my memories away)
Night Descends
Tonight
went out in Derby its 2:52, yes I may be a tad tipsy... here it is
as I see it, in my disillusioned state
we may have bumped into a few baddies, I may have crossed paths with my worst nightmare, and yes, he was good he looked for me and looked after me and soon we were gone from the terrible place
but now it begins
first a stutter, then a murmer ... then the unreasonable denies ...
the downward spiral that I can only try to fight and in my midst is the sweetest thing.. in full blown denial about what is happening and I want to fight but how can you fight something that can't be seen or spoken .. . and its gone.. and there it is...
I just wish it could be understood, I've been through worse, but right you meet the one, the real one and you so know it is, but no matter or words can explain and they can't understand, theres a place for you... but its not where it is.. its lost and its unreasonable and I dont know the words or the actions to create a reaction worth more then I can already muster I can only hope my movement will cause disturbance but I also know that I should know better, maybe thats my problem, its 2 months and I DO know better, if only he knew better, if only the words I spoke had matter but to a narcoleptic paramour what words stand for I love you, what stands for I care and not WHAT .. .thats all I get amongst other unspeakables as I know this will be read and more then likely in the wrong context .. but words are worse and sometimes the ones we say in secret are the ones that mean the most
I love you
and Im sorry
and also .. dont be humiliated by this
just see the real ink behind these unmeaningful symbols that somebody foolishly called text..
my emotions are real and
so are we
went out in Derby its 2:52, yes I may be a tad tipsy... here it is
as I see it, in my disillusioned state
we may have bumped into a few baddies, I may have crossed paths with my worst nightmare, and yes, he was good he looked for me and looked after me and soon we were gone from the terrible place
but now it begins
first a stutter, then a murmer ... then the unreasonable denies ...
the downward spiral that I can only try to fight and in my midst is the sweetest thing.. in full blown denial about what is happening and I want to fight but how can you fight something that can't be seen or spoken .. . and its gone.. and there it is...
I just wish it could be understood, I've been through worse, but right you meet the one, the real one and you so know it is, but no matter or words can explain and they can't understand, theres a place for you... but its not where it is.. its lost and its unreasonable and I dont know the words or the actions to create a reaction worth more then I can already muster I can only hope my movement will cause disturbance but I also know that I should know better, maybe thats my problem, its 2 months and I DO know better, if only he knew better, if only the words I spoke had matter but to a narcoleptic paramour what words stand for I love you, what stands for I care and not WHAT .. .thats all I get amongst other unspeakables as I know this will be read and more then likely in the wrong context .. but words are worse and sometimes the ones we say in secret are the ones that mean the most
I love you
and Im sorry
and also .. dont be humiliated by this
just see the real ink behind these unmeaningful symbols that somebody foolishly called text..
my emotions are real and
so are we
Friday, August 29, 2008
Bang Bang Bang
I am officially dating the nicest person in the whole world - FACT!
I don't have much else to say, I'm just listening to this track play out.. tunage
Hmm trying to figure out what the hell to buy for someones birthday, I know its far away but... bah... ah man TUUUUUNNNNEE!! Fedde Le Grand - Put Your Hands Up For Detroit I so wish I wasnt sat at my desk right now listening to the radio in secret on my earphones lol its so hard not to jump up and start throwing some crazy shapes hehe
I think the idea of a blog is to post when you have something of substance to say... well I'm sorry, I'm breaking the mould - get over it
I'm also wondering what to have for lunch, I didnt bring any with me but don't have much food in at home to make anything.. I could go for the old favourite Supernoodles!! But I dont know.. I feel fussy.. particular... disconcerted... perturbed... irresolute
My better half is perfect :) I just had one of those moments where your mind goes blank and then you can just think of one person and everything about them shines.. I'm well happy
I don't have much else to say, I'm just listening to this track play out.. tunage
Hmm trying to figure out what the hell to buy for someones birthday, I know its far away but... bah... ah man TUUUUUNNNNEE!! Fedde Le Grand - Put Your Hands Up For Detroit I so wish I wasnt sat at my desk right now listening to the radio in secret on my earphones lol its so hard not to jump up and start throwing some crazy shapes hehe
I think the idea of a blog is to post when you have something of substance to say... well I'm sorry, I'm breaking the mould - get over it
I'm also wondering what to have for lunch, I didnt bring any with me but don't have much food in at home to make anything.. I could go for the old favourite Supernoodles!! But I dont know.. I feel fussy.. particular... disconcerted... perturbed... irresolute
My better half is perfect :) I just had one of those moments where your mind goes blank and then you can just think of one person and everything about them shines.. I'm well happy
Doomsday. . . yew no...
So today is Friday and I was only 20 minutes late today!! I was meant to be working my last day as a document controller today but as my new boss is off on Monday and in London on Tuesday, I have those two days to finish off my work here, which in one way is good as I still have loads and loads to do! But its bad as I really have no motivation anymore! I can't believe I've lasted this job for 2 years, shocking... It might be a bit lame but I'm looking forward to starting my new job and to be doing something that actually challenges me instead of just wearing away my aura, this job is seriously soul destroying!
Another lame work comment - me and my dad said last night that we're both looking forward to going to work again when we go to Cyprus! I really am though, it's totally different out there and when you're working well I just get this sense that everything is finally moving forward its just another step towards moving over there and leaving this rubbish country and all its cons behind!
A sweet thing said to me they're going to look after me this weekend (suffering the worst variety) bless, I couldn't have dreamt of better, I'm really lucky and really happy even if it is wrapped in a vice grip today.. Still I'm looking forward to spending quality time with my heart XX
Gah - Time to get some work done
Another lame work comment - me and my dad said last night that we're both looking forward to going to work again when we go to Cyprus! I really am though, it's totally different out there and when you're working well I just get this sense that everything is finally moving forward its just another step towards moving over there and leaving this rubbish country and all its cons behind!
A sweet thing said to me they're going to look after me this weekend (suffering the worst variety) bless, I couldn't have dreamt of better, I'm really lucky and really happy even if it is wrapped in a vice grip today.. Still I'm looking forward to spending quality time with my heart XX
Gah - Time to get some work done
Thursday, August 28, 2008
A Midday Moment
Just thinking quite a bit that I'm kind of going to miss Daz when I go to Cyprus in a few weeks.. call me sad.. I know I'm only going for a week.. We haven't spent a night apart for the last 2 months
I guess it's just one of them
It gives me this sick feeling
I guess it's just one of them
It gives me this sick feeling
Breaking The Wall
I've done it - I've cracked
I got a BLOG! I've never really been one for keeping diaries but have always scribbled notes and feelings down throughout my life normally when Im depressed or low... Im hoping this doesn't just turn into a big morbid space but we can just see how it pans out
At the moment Im sat at my desk at work, I really REALLY should be working, I start a new job on Monday and I've got a handover meeting with my current boss this afternoon and the whole situation is a mess! Im not ready at all, I keep getting distracted by failblog.org, facebook, ebay, msn and god knows what else, I get to work at 8am (apparently) open IE and the next thing I know its 4pm and I haven't achieved anything...
Dammit
I suppose I should log off this really then
Happy surfing
I got a BLOG! I've never really been one for keeping diaries but have always scribbled notes and feelings down throughout my life normally when Im depressed or low... Im hoping this doesn't just turn into a big morbid space but we can just see how it pans out
At the moment Im sat at my desk at work, I really REALLY should be working, I start a new job on Monday and I've got a handover meeting with my current boss this afternoon and the whole situation is a mess! Im not ready at all, I keep getting distracted by failblog.org, facebook, ebay, msn and god knows what else, I get to work at 8am (apparently) open IE and the next thing I know its 4pm and I haven't achieved anything...
Dammit
I suppose I should log off this really then
Happy surfing
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